في ذمة الله يا رفيقة النضال

كُلُّ مَنْ عَلَيْهَا فانٍ . وَيَبْقَى وَجْهُ رَبِّكَ ذُو الْجَلالِ وَالإكْرَامِ

علا معاذ ... الله يرحمك يا رفيقة النضال

We’re Blessed

It’s been a year since we’ve known that there is a tumor in Mariamty head, I’ll never forget that day, when we were shocked!

It was really long day! Started early morning, when Mariamty has fasted, in order to get anesthetized for the MRI, ended facing so many facts, first that there is something in her head! Second that this thing a big tumor! Then that her case is really hard and dangerous, and finally that the only solution is a very critical operation with minimum rate of success.
We kept running all day! Meeting doctors to know what’s up! or at least let them explain the MRI report, then a miracle happens at the end of day; getting the change to meet a very busy famous Doctor in that same long day!

Although I was in a deep sorrow, but I felt blessed! That Allah has given us a solution in that same day! And Allah allowed us to meet the one who’ll help us out of this.

Our Roommate at KHCC

Since Mariamty has died, I wanted to reach any of our roommates in KHCC to know their news.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Um Suhaib, whom we shared the room for more than 20 nights respectively!

Her son died a week ago, he was the most active & talkative kid among others, he’s only three years old, but if you heard what he says, you’ll think he’s a grownup & a man! The way he died is so similar to Mariamty, he has thrown down in less than month with same symptoms!

Anyway! I asked her about others’ news! As I haven’t got the challenge to visit KHCC again! Although I’m longing to! She told me “mostly all those who were with us died! Maybe 2 or 3 are alive! Cancer Harvests lives!” & she named those who died.

On the other hand, on Saturday KHCC celebrated 1000 Pediatric Cancer Survivor, I was really happy with this news! Until I thought deeply about it! 1000 of what total? 1000 since when?

I wish, and pray, that cancer never comes back to these 1000, & no more new cases as well.


P.S. tomorrow marks the 3rd month without Mariamty around! Ah, her birthday was on 13/5!

Mariamty can Fly

Hamdolela ...
Mariam is happier now,
she's in a better place,
she's felling no pain,
she can move and even fly,
she's in heaven now ...

19/2/2010 sat.
3:20 am.

What’s Going in Her Mind? part 1

I wonder what does Mariamty think every day about moving and crawling?

“I wana crawl after mom, why can’t I?
hmmm seems I forgot the first step! Let’s try ...
Why I can’t hold myself straight? What’s up with my arms! Can’t they carry me! My mom keeps telling that I’m thinner now, so my hands suppose to easily do that! Maybe I used to start with my legs?
Ok I’ll start over again; ooops didn’t I want to move my leg! It seems too heavy!”

It’s been long time since Mariamty has crawled! Maybe two weeks or more! Now she barely moves her legs!

It Seems Far Away ...

Inshalla inshalla inshalla it seems far away!
Yesterday also I’ve seen a cute baby we used to meet him when we sleep at KHCC, he’s older now; 6 months old! He’s has transferred to Palliative Care, too. He was tired, he was born blind, along with chemo cycles, tumor size has increased which has affected lots of nerves;
he won’t walk,
he can’t concentrate,
he faces difficulty in swallowing,
he might have hearing loss,
in addition of pain,
and spasms every while and then.

I was speechless while his mother is telling me this, I felt that I’m spoiled and doesn’t appreciate what I have!

We should always meet people who are worse case than ours, in order to gain satisfaction and then happiness.

You're my Sunshine

Today, while kissing Mariamty, I've noticed a small head swelling at the right side!
I hugged her, and cried silently, I didn't want her to see my tears, cos she won't allow me to carry her or even touch her, it seems I look ugly and scary when I cry!

I hate when I feel this, or say this: it seems soon!!!
Why soon! Cos beside her daily headache, when night comes, she puts her head on my chest, and she turns off, as if she's out of electricity, then she starts vomiting for hours!

Hamdolela, when morning comes, she's full of energy, joy, fun, & hunger!

I wait for daylight, as I always loved the sunshine …

Mariamty … you're my daylight, you're my sunshine …

2010

I do feel, and think, that a year carries similar stories for you!


I remembered how year 2007 was a Farewell year.

About 2010, it deserves to be called “Cancer Year”:

• Mariamty, my girl, has got ATRT in her head


• My aunt has got breast cancer, she’s done three surgeries, and with everyone she did they told her “oops, we should have removed more!”, Hamdolela that the last surgery was a successful one


• My cousin’s husband got a cancer


• A 3 years old girl, from the expanded family, has got cancer in her both eyes

I think that’s enough for listing! I wish all cancer patients will cure, and they won’t see it again in their whole life.

What's Next!

So …


… so


… so …




I have nothing to write!




In brief & as the Dr. told me:


1st problem: MRI shows that the left tumor was reduced its size to 50%, this will prevent us from moving to the second stage; Bone Marrow Transplant.


2nd problem: Spinal Cord Fluid has got atypical cells; which came from her brain tumor, no more chemotherapy, and she’ll be transferred to Palliative Care.


Hamdolela that I've said 'Hamdolela' as soon as I heard the news.

My Birthday Gift

They asked me what I want, today, for my birthday, I answered:

I wana have that plant which exists in fairy tales, which cures diseases but it’s hard to get, you had to cross the sea, the mountain, the jungle to get it.

I’m ready to swim in the Pacific Ocean, I’m fast and I like swimming.

I can climb Mount Everest, I didn’t try it before, but it’s on my ‘to try list’.

Ok, I fear of cockroach, but when I have to face a Lion or a tiger, I’ll try to use my mind to win the battle.

Then I’ll reach that plant which includes the medicine for every illness, and run fast home, and give it to my child …

Question: Why in stories the one who does all that is not one of the parents?I think they are the only ones ready to do all that.

Can’t this plant exist?! Can’t sacrificing lives returns what we love, I hate fairy tale stories, they are neither real nor true.

Inshalla Allah will grant me the good news tomorrow, & this will be the gift.

Waiting for that Day

I don’t think I’ll sleep that night, but I’ll try to let Mariamty sleep as much as she can, how could I convince her not to drink milk and to fast!

I wonder how I’ll be driving to KHCC that day, would I run with Mariamty on my side!

Minutes will turn to hours, I’ll be praying while Mariamty is inside the MRI.

Inshalla on 20/12/2010 Mariamty will have an MRI, inshalla the doctor will tell us there’s no tumor left, and her body is clean.

I’m counting the days, 9 days left and inshalla we’ll hear the good news.

Can’t wait …

Shopping @ Nafaq

When you live stay at KHCC (King Hussein Cancer Center) for long time, actions that make you happy or let’s say change your mood have got a different meaning!

These make me happy there:

• When Doctor tells us: you can go home


• When Mariamty is playing


• Lunch or dinner arrives and it’s delicious


• Chatting with talkative children


• Having our bed near the window


• Shopping at "Nafaq" *

* Shopping at "Nafaq" (Pedestrian tunnel) which is near KHCC is like shopping at Wakalat Street :)

Women at KHCC made me excited about it! They’ve bought everything from there; kettle, candies, sandwiches, slippers, & hot drinks. They talk about it as if they are talking about a mall, and so as soon as I got the chance to go there I did. It was crowded, shops were too stacked, all you need was in one place. Awesome!

Although it’s a silly outing, but I’ve really enjoyed it, it’s the only outlet patient’s mothers have got.

Here’s a picture of it

Sorry for being Boring

In the morning I call mom, I tell her how’s Mariamty, and stories of other patients; their ages, since when they’ve started the therapy, how did they discovered cancer, where is it, when will they finish their cure, does they have other brothers or sisters, & so on.

At noon, my sister calls, I tell her how’s Mariamty, and stories of other patients; their ages, since when they’ve started the therapy, how did they discovered cancer, where is it, when will they finish their cure, does they have other brothers or sisters, & so on.

In the afternoon, I visit other patients, I tell them how’s Mariamty, and stories of other patients; their ages, since when they’ve started the therapy, how did they discovered cancer, where is it, when will they finish their cure, does they have other brothers or sisters, & so on.

At night, when Mhmdy comes after work, I tell him how’s Mariamty, and stories of other patients; their ages, since when they’ve started the therapy, how did they discovered cancer, where is it, when will they finish their cure, does they have other brothers or sisters, & so on.

Next day, in the morning I call mom, I tell her how’s Mariamty, and stories of other patients … etc.

I think I’ve turned to a boring person; the only thing I chat about is in that area. It’s the only subject I’m good at, beside the weather :)

Also, my blog is having a new theme with the same titles.

I can’t imagine next year! What my chitchats will be? Will I have miscellaneous topics!

بعد جرعة الكيماوي الثانية

كُتبت بعد جرعة الكيماوي الثانية

نبض مريمتي سريعٌ جداً، هذا بعد ثاني جرعة، سبحان الله ذاك الجسد الصغير بالعمر و الحجم،واللذي لم يتعلم الكثير بعد تراه يعمل كما يعمل جسم الكهل الللذي أثقلته خبرته بالحياة. لا شك بأن جسمها مضطرب ويحاول السيطرة على ما دخل عليه من مادة كريهة، يقاومها، يحاول محاربتها و زجها خارجاً، جميع الأعضاء متأهبة ولذلك قلبها ينبض بسرعة لشدة الضغط والعمل

آه يا بضعةً منا، ما أقسانا، كيف قبلنا بذلك السم أن يطعنك فيضعفك ويتعبك. لكن يا أغلى ما لدينا ليس هناك حلاً آخر، نحن نحبك ونريدك معنا ما بقي من أعمارنا

بعد بضعة أيام سيتغلب السم على دمك، مناعتك، وقوتك، لكن بإذن الله كما قويت بعد أول جرعة ستصبحين أفضل و سيكون الخاسر الوحيد بهذه المعركة السرطان

After Mariamty's Surgery

Part of my dairies during the week of Mariamty’s surgery:

• 25/7/2010:
  During the surgery: “We haven’t been apart for that long! 9 hours praying to see you alive.”
  
  After the surgery: “Hamdolela you are alive! You had a craniotomy today. They’ve removed the tumor; your surgery was 9 hours long! With 20% to success! I can’t believe we’re done! Welcome back my sweetheart! Can’t hold your tight, you are in a web of wires!”

• 26/7/2010:
  I slept at home without you!
  “Morning without you around is as morning without sunrise! My mind slept near you, and I slept out of tired.”

• 29/7/2010:
  “Well, it’s not the smile which I want, but I’m glad to see it”
  
  “We already knew that it’s a cancer, but today it was certain, and it’s not of any kind! You’ve got a high mark in it! You like to be on top of everything! Grade 4 and it’s the most aggressive kind; ATRT. Now lets focus on you! You should play back & we should hear your laugh.”

• 30/7/2010:
  “I want it too; your special hug for Hamdoudeh”
  Hamoudeh, my brother, is the only one who gets a welcome hug from Mariam once they meet!

• 31/7/2010:
  “Thankful to Allah, you are back to food and toys”

يوم لقائك

يوم العملية: 25\7\2010

ابنتي... لم أشأ أن أسلمك إلى طبيب التخدير، لكن علي فعل ذلك حتى نكمل الحياة سويةً، اجتثك من بين ذراعي وبدأتِ بالبكاء ثم غنى لك وهو يبتعد عنا:"مريم يا مريم ليش عم تبكي" إلى أن عمّ الصمت واختفيتي عن عيني. وتبللت عيناي، ورحت أبحث عن عينٌ تدمع معي إلى أن وجدت أباك وأمي، احتضنتهم كأنهم أنت

كانت هذه أول مرة أبتعد عنك لمدةٍ طـويلــــــــــــــــــة! 9 ساعات من الدعاء بأن أراك على قيد الحياة

انتظرتك عند المصعد، وتهيأت إلى لقائك عندما قارب على الوصول، وفتح الباب، فإذا أنا أراك،وأسمع بكاءك،وألامسك، إنك معنا، إنك معنا من جديد

يالله يا كريم، احمدك حمدا كثيرا مباركا ملء السماوات و ملء الأرض، نسبة نجاح العملية 20% و انت اخترتنا لنكون منها. دعوتك يا الله بأن ترضيني بما كتبته لنا، ولقد استجبت، فعندما أبلغنا الطبيب بأن الورم خبيث، رضيت، حمدتك، ولم أعترض. قررت بأن لا أفكر بغدٍ والغيب، علي بالآن، مريم طيبة و أريد أن أكون معها، هذا أقصى منايا حينها

Cancer in My Little Girl

From now on, I think my blog will be concentrated on a new subject, I’m afraid all my talks will be about the new turn point in my life, but it’s useful to share such an experience.

Cancer has attacked my little girl! Actually it’s not an attack! She’s got it since she was in my tummy, but hasn’t been discovered until lately! It’s all started as a joke! Whenever Mariamty wants to cry or laugh she looks like giving a wink, we kept laughing whenever she does so, then we discovered that it’s not intended, we went to her Dr. and got our first shock, that she’s got a Left Facial Palsy, we gave her medication but without any improvement, then she began to tend her neck, again we thought it’s another joke from her and with hesitation we told the Dr about it, and so he asked for an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) where we have found out a tumor in her head!

A very accurate long surgery has clarified that this tumor is malignant. We’ve done two cycles of chemo, and three more left.

Days are extensive enough to make me feel as if a year has passed. I would like to shift to 2011; when I will be with my little girl walking by the trees, and smiling to the camera, with nothing in my mind.