Welcome Taiba

I was having lots of plans to do before my little girl arrives, we still need to buy her stuff & ours as well.I was expecting to give birth during the second week or so of my last pregnancy month.

But! on the second day of 9th month, I was surprised that my girl is on the way!

On 12/2/2012 @ 9:59 pm Taiba has arrived to this world, hamdolela, I suffered during delivery, but when I saw her, i totally forgot what i faced.

She's tooo tiny! a 2.5 kilo!

Sobhan Allah, whatever we plan, Allah has better plans to us.

في ذمة الله يا رفيقة النضال

كُلُّ مَنْ عَلَيْهَا فانٍ . وَيَبْقَى وَجْهُ رَبِّكَ ذُو الْجَلالِ وَالإكْرَامِ

علا معاذ ... الله يرحمك يا رفيقة النضال

Home in Canada

Although I have never ever thought that I’ll gonna have a home here in Canada! But seems I need one, even here!

Still we didn’t settle down, still we are searching for an apartment, even for a room! we just wana a place to consider it as home, I drop what I said! I’ll have home here, and can’t wait to find it, and say Home Sweet Home ..

à Montréal

Across the seas, with -14 degree, from Montreal I send my regards.

One simple word describes it at the moment! It’s so gray!!!

Flying to Montreal

Seems 2012 gonna be a year full of changes!

Mhmdy & I are flying to Canada/Montreal as we have applied for immigration since ages, and finally we’ve got the visa!

By first of January I’ll be there! :S I’ll give birth there inshalla!

Can’t concentrate! Don’t know from where I shall start! What should I do! My to do list is too long! We’ve bought the bags yesterday, so you can say one item is done.

I’m not that much excited! As I said once I’m neutral towards everything! Even toward this shift! I just wana go their & end the 4 years period & return back here!

I haven’t lived out of Amman all my life! How it gonna be! Can I cope toward my homesickness & missing my family! Would I survive & get a life there?

After 9 Months We've Met

Can’t describe how much I feel happy today, finally we have met after 9 months!

One day they told me that you won’t dream with a dead person until you stop crying and feeling sad about it, on that day, I kept telling myself foolish words such as: “Yay Mariamty is not with me”& “Nanananana I’ll not see Mariamty again”& such … I was duping myself! And it didn’t work!

But yesterday, I remembered how much I was happy during Mariamty illness, and I used to tell people around: that those days are the best I lived, even the nights we spent at KHCC, I was feeling super, peaceful, & glad. Thus I’ve convinced myself that I should be so NOW! What’s up with me! My child is in heaven, at least I granted a child there! She’s feeling happy there, why she needs to be here! There is really better for her … etc of these thoughts, and it was my first time I don’t give a tear or feel that sorrow in my heart when remembering our last hug!

I woke up one hour earlier today, I met Mariamty in my dream, it was a nice dream, she walked towards me, I kissed her, & hold her ... I’ve really missed her … Hamdolela that finally Mariamty visited me, I’ll be waiting her every night

Finally, I’m Excited :)

Baby! I’ve finally felt your kick! It was last night, when I was going to sleep! They were only two kicks but they were enough to make me happy :) I wonder why now I’ve just felt them!? Is it because of the movie I watched; Final Destination 5, sorry I’ve freaked you out so many times :) I was waiting for those tiny kicks few days ago; as in my last visit to the Dr. you were so active turning upside down, touching your feet, & sleeping on your tummy, on that day my neutral status was changed to excitement, when he told us you are probably a girl, once I’ve heard that a big smile was on my face, I filled in joy, same as your dady, he surprised me how much he was happy … Hamdolela … he also whished you to be as wonderful as your sister Mariamty …

I’m excited now! & I’m in love with your kicks, they let me feel there’s a life inside me! & that our special secret moments have started.

Hamdolela … I’m Pregnant

I have to declare that I’m pregnant of 3rd month … Hamdolela

I can’t feel it the way I used to in my first pregnancy! I’m so neutral!

I’m usually natural towards life! But here I’m extra neutral!

We’re Blessed

It’s been a year since we’ve known that there is a tumor in Mariamty head, I’ll never forget that day, when we were shocked!

It was really long day! Started early morning, when Mariamty has fasted, in order to get anesthetized for the MRI, ended facing so many facts, first that there is something in her head! Second that this thing a big tumor! Then that her case is really hard and dangerous, and finally that the only solution is a very critical operation with minimum rate of success.
We kept running all day! Meeting doctors to know what’s up! or at least let them explain the MRI report, then a miracle happens at the end of day; getting the change to meet a very busy famous Doctor in that same long day!

Although I was in a deep sorrow, but I felt blessed! That Allah has given us a solution in that same day! And Allah allowed us to meet the one who’ll help us out of this.

!الفساد متأصلاً فينا

حتى عندما نحاول الإصلاح نعيث فساداً

!
أصبحت أشك أن الفساد متأصلاً فينا

!
أو الماء الذي نشربه كل يوم مذابٌ فيها بعض حبات الطمع التي ترسبت في عقولنا محولةً إيّانا إلى شعلة فساد

!
ألم يعد هناك بذرةٌ لم تلوث بعد بمصالحنا الشخصية؟

Allah's Plans for You

Whatever you plan, Allah has the better best plans for you!

Go back to your life, remember what your dreams were and what has come true, what you thought you’ll fulfill and what you’ve achieved. If you can get the whole picture now, you might know the purpose of all what you’ve faced. Sometimes you might not be able to recognize why this has been done so, and why you haven’t gained that! But you should really & truly trust Allah choices for you.

We’re poor, we can’t predict future however we build possibilities & plans, some might contradict, some might never happen, and some might become a reality.

Inshalla after a week, my little sister is getting married! Her wedding date has been changed so many times. I remember when they have first set two times March & May, she asked me which one I prefer, according to Mariamty condition I absolutely answered March! Clarifying that Mariamty was in a good condition at that time – beginning of 2011, and she might start getting worse during May! So I chose March as it’s near and guaranteed.

When February has started we felt anxious; would everything go Ok until wedding date comes! Would we make it until then! Later, her wedding date was shifted to beginning of May, then to end of May, and inshalla now final date has been set next week; a date we’ve never intended to have! 6/6/2011, nice date! Lots of people try their best to have their wedding on special dates! Any my little sister has got it so easily.

Allah has chosen the best. سبحان الله

Summertime

Summer starts today :)

My sister is now above Jordan; her flight should arrive soon, can’t wait to finish work, see her and cuddle my first nephew :)

Next week other relatives will arrive, too!

It’s summer time! It’s party time!!!

Our Roommate at KHCC

Since Mariamty has died, I wanted to reach any of our roommates in KHCC to know their news.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Um Suhaib, whom we shared the room for more than 20 nights respectively!

Her son died a week ago, he was the most active & talkative kid among others, he’s only three years old, but if you heard what he says, you’ll think he’s a grownup & a man! The way he died is so similar to Mariamty, he has thrown down in less than month with same symptoms!

Anyway! I asked her about others’ news! As I haven’t got the challenge to visit KHCC again! Although I’m longing to! She told me “mostly all those who were with us died! Maybe 2 or 3 are alive! Cancer Harvests lives!” & she named those who died.

On the other hand, on Saturday KHCC celebrated 1000 Pediatric Cancer Survivor, I was really happy with this news! Until I thought deeply about it! 1000 of what total? 1000 since when?

I wish, and pray, that cancer never comes back to these 1000, & no more new cases as well.


P.S. tomorrow marks the 3rd month without Mariamty around! Ah, her birthday was on 13/5!

Two Months

Two months far away … and still counting

Back to Work

Back to
work
labor
IT Industry
quality obsession
learn
think
analyze
commitment
early wake ups
drink Nescafe
wait for weekends
count holidays
bank account
monthly salary
money waste

Although it’s a temporary back, a two months contract, but I think they are enough at the meantime.

One Month

One whole month without you by my side
still I imagine we play seek and hide
I'm trying to live life but I can't enjoy the ride
I ask Allah every moment to be my guide
And to help me sleep without remembering how you died
Also to meet up there where you'll be running toward me with my hands opened wide

Things Feel Their Owners

I always believe that when a relation is between the horse and its rider, they will always feel each other, and when the rider dies, later the horse will follow! Now I started to believe that one's stuff feels its owner! This really happened with me! Almost all Mariamty's stuff has either been damaged before or after she died!

When I washed Mariamty's clothes before she's left us, my dark blue blouse has been with them! And the result was: all her clothes were changed to either blue or purple! So I have easily abandoned them. There were other clothes waiting to be washed after Mariamty's has left us, and I have recently rinsed and dried them. I was surprised how worn out they looked! Although some of them were new, and other were supposed to be of high quality! Nevertheless, they all looked too stocked and worn! And so I've easily discarded them too.

Even her cups! Looked unclean! And so I've easily put them away!

Finally, I hope so, I was shocked that my car, where Mariamty has always been my buddy there, has also been crashed! And so I'll easily through it away! As it can't be fixed and I hope the insurance company will pay me at least 70% of its cost.

So let's get back to the main topic, things feel their owners, they can't stay without owners, they need a life with them, so give away what you don't need to those whose in need, memories will stay in mind longer than in things.

Mariamty can Fly

Hamdolela ...
Mariam is happier now,
she's in a better place,
she's felling no pain,
she can move and even fly,
she's in heaven now ...

19/2/2010 sat.
3:20 am.

What’s Going in Her Mind? part 1

I wonder what does Mariamty think every day about moving and crawling?

“I wana crawl after mom, why can’t I?
hmmm seems I forgot the first step! Let’s try ...
Why I can’t hold myself straight? What’s up with my arms! Can’t they carry me! My mom keeps telling that I’m thinner now, so my hands suppose to easily do that! Maybe I used to start with my legs?
Ok I’ll start over again; ooops didn’t I want to move my leg! It seems too heavy!”

It’s been long time since Mariamty has crawled! Maybe two weeks or more! Now she barely moves her legs!

It Seems Far Away ...

Inshalla inshalla inshalla it seems far away!
Yesterday also I’ve seen a cute baby we used to meet him when we sleep at KHCC, he’s older now; 6 months old! He’s has transferred to Palliative Care, too. He was tired, he was born blind, along with chemo cycles, tumor size has increased which has affected lots of nerves;
he won’t walk,
he can’t concentrate,
he faces difficulty in swallowing,
he might have hearing loss,
in addition of pain,
and spasms every while and then.

I was speechless while his mother is telling me this, I felt that I’m spoiled and doesn’t appreciate what I have!

We should always meet people who are worse case than ours, in order to gain satisfaction and then happiness.